I feel like a failure to my mother.
To my few friends.
My family.
They always think I’m up to something bad. Or the insist on my continuing to not eat.
And then they ask what’s wrong after they insult me constantly. Pointing out every little flaw.
It hurts me, because I already fucking know I’m not perfect.
I know I’m pale and fat and stupid and all that jazz.
And oh my gosh. The people that tell me I’m perfect and beautiful, I just want to fuck them up so bad. I’m flatter that they think that, don’t get me wrong. But I know what I am and what I’m not. I don’t need them to sit there and lie to me.
I’m not really sure how to explain this, but I mean I tell myself all the wrong with me. Hoping that it won’t hurt as bad when others tell me. But it still manages to get to me. And it REALLY gets to me. And it makes me want to purge every ounce of food I’ve ever put in my mouth. And I can’t do it. I’ve tried purging a million times. I know it’s not the answer. But I don’t have the self control not to eat.
Oh and my friends, the ones I actually care about, they don’t even ask me what’s wrong anymore. My best friend saw my cuts and didn’t even mention to me. 

I’m so fucking alone now. 
And I’m even too scared to open up to the one person who cares and I hate myself even more for it. But I guess it’s because I know he won’t understand and I’m such a bother in the first place.
I hate that I just spent the last hour crying. 
Crying because I’m such a disappointment to everyone. Because I can’t to anything right anymore. I just want to be able to wake up.. well to actually want to wake up in the first place. I feel like everyday of my life is such a struggle. And I don’t even do anything anymore hardly.
I mean I leave my house go to Walmart, that’s practically it. 
And I don’t mind, I love staying home. I don’t want to torture people by having to look at me. It’s sad that I’ve actually gotten to that point. But it’s true.
And omfg I hate living at the lake, because there’s all these people around and I can’t walk out in a bathing suit without being uncomfortable and scared that someone will see me. And my mom gets mad at me for it. She just doesn’t understand and it pisses me off so bad. She thinks I’m becoming obsessed with my weight and my body and everything. I can’t help that I’m insecure as fuck. I can’t help that I hate being seen in public with my best friend. I can’t help that I have no self control. I can’t help that I’m just screwed up fat mess. 
I hate all of this.
I hate living each day. I just don’t have the guts to end my life.